A caricatured doctrine of total depravity leaves us perched on an awkward ledge in parenting, paralysed by questions like the ones I mentioned in article #44:

Should we expect children will learn to obey when we know they have a sinful nature? Is it even possible this side of Genesis 3?

The doctrine of total depravity prepares us to be less shocked when our children sin. As it is often said, we—and our children—don’t become sinners because we sin. We sin because we’re sinners by nature. As our children grow into all their brilliant abilities, they gain more sophisticated ways to express the fallen nature they have inherited from Adam before they were even born. The fallen, sinful nature does not completely erase the divine likeness every human being bears. If our thinking about total depravity has us conclude that no child can ever learn to obey at all, that they are beyond instruction and correction, that their lack of obedience is inevitably permanent, that they are unrestrainable, then we’ve not understood enough of the doctrine. We’ve isolated it from other things the Bible says are true of humanity. As R.C Sproul wrote,

“In the Reformed tradition, total depravity does not mean utter depravity. We often use the term total as a synonym for utter or for completely, so the notion of total depravity conjures up the idea that every human being is as bad as that person could possibly be. You might think of an archfiend of history such as Adolf Hitler and say there was absolutely no redeeming virtue in the man, but I suspect that he had some affection for his mother. As wicked as Hitler was, we can still conceive of ways in which he could have been even more wicked than he actually was. So the idea of total in total depravity doesn’t mean that all human beings are as wicked as they can possibly be. It means that the fall was so serious that it affects the whole person…It affects our minds and our thinking; we still have the capacity to think, but the Bible says the mind has become darkened and weakened. The will of man is no longer in its pristine state of moral power. The will, according to the New Testament, is now in bondage. We are enslaved to the evil impulses and desires of our hearts. The body, the mind, the will, the spirit—indeed, the whole person—have been infected by the power of sin.”

The doctrine of total depravity does not mean that we’re all as bad as we can possibly be. We could all be far worse if there were fewer restraints on us, if we had not enjoyed certain social, cultural or relational benefits, if our circumstances were different. Although every human being is born with a will enslaved to sin, God graciously builds many gifts and restraints into this world, which temper how people express and experience the effects of sin. Though death has invaded all parts of human experience, there is still birth. Though there are thorns and weeds, the earth still grows food. Though work is now toil, there are ways to use physical laws to make work less burdensome (have you spent much time thinking about the many problems alleviated by the inclined plane?). Though there is decay, there is still creativity. Even imperfect governments create stability which preserve some space for some goodness to grow which would otherwise be flattened under evil. None of this bounty amid the decay is accidental. It isn’t random or neutral. God’s frivolous gifts of common grace litter the earth, for all people, and we barely notice them. These good gifts cannot save the world, none of them are absolute, but they make things more bearable for many people in many places. Wherever God’s common gifts are, people are held back from the full experience of their own fallen nature. In ways we cannot imagine, things could always be worse. And we could all be worse. The Worse, the full expression and experience of depravity, the complete absence of God’s common gifts, will be part of what makes Hell so unbearable.

Children learning to obey their parents is one of those gifts of God’s goodness to all humanity. It is a multidirectional, long-range kindness to both the children and the society around them and the people who will follow once they have grown. When children learn to obey parents, they gain some of the wisdom and preparation which preserves them from many dangers, seen and unseen. It fits them out with some competence to exist in a fallen world. It limits the space for ignoble traits to flourish. Because God is kind, this is a gift accessible even to those who don’t recognise him.

This basic family obedience isn’t an exclusive fruit of being born-again. It isn’t only the regenerate (that is, the person who God has brought from spiritual death to spiritual life) who experiences these natural provisions. This good gift—parents teaching their children to obey and children learning to obey—is a gift available to all humanity. It is experienced, to a degree, wherever parents care for and instruct their children. It is part of common grace in God’s world, that children can learn to obey their parents. Not completely or perfectly, but enough to mean their fallen nature is not expressing itself as thoroughly as it could. Children don’t need to be Christian to learn to obey their parents to some degree. It’s within the range of human function, even this side of the Fall.

This doesn’t mean that all people use this common gift well. Like all of the most profound gifts given in our closest human relationships, the more fundamental to our existence it is, the more its misuse mars us. Parents often express their sinful nature by abdicating, neglecting or abusing their authority. My point here is not to say that the gift of obedience is untainted, but that the gift exists within reach of the common family. It is a gift of God’s common grace that children are preserved from being worse than they are. Being parents who care about our kids’ obedience is a gift we can share with them.

What difference does it make when we realise that teaching our kids to obey us is not an “exclusive fruit of sanctification”? What happens when we notice that children learning to obey parents is a feature of God’s common grace to all humanity? The difference is, we’re not waiting for some mysterious, distant future conversion before we start bringing our children into the goodness of obeying us. Obedience becomes more ordinary, more of a typical family function. Which means we can be more optimistic and down-to-earth about figuring it out. We have the Holy Spirit’s help, but we don’t need to know exactly what he’s up to before we start. Ultimately, God’s kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4). This common gift, when ordered in a household of parents who love the Lord Jesus, might be the very thing that leads our own children to repentance. It is often a means through which children learn the far less common grace of obeying, not merely their parents, but the Lord Jesus.

I’ve found Charlotte Mason’s words about parental authority (and responsive obedience from children) especially helpful. There is no substitute for reading them yourself; you can find a copy of the relevant volume at Living Book Press. Emily, Liz and Nicole at A Delectable Education discuss these things in three episodes starting with this one.