#14. About Fathers
I am not writing for fathers. That doesn’t mean they don’t need writing to. It’s just not my job. Consider this an article about fathers, rather than to fathers.
One risk in writing a lot for mums is that I imply spiritual leadership in a household is ultimately the mother’s work. If there is no husband around, then it is. We’ll cover that in time to come. But when a father is there, he is responsible, whether he knows it or not.
How much of our thought about motherhood features fathers? Do we see the raising and discipleship of our children as mostly mum’s job? Often we fence it off as our own territory. And then we get annoyed when dads are aloof and incompetent.
In God’s design, fathers are responsible in a special way and they are not interchangeable with mothers. The previous article considers God’s design in marriage, the oneness God forges between two equal but different people. A wife is intended to help her husband as he leads their family in living as God’s people in God’s world.
Malachi closes the books of the Old Testament with a picture of God’s goal in marriage. This is in the context of the persevering failure of God’s people to do it. Malachi addresses husbands and fathers:
‘And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her”, says the Lord, the God of Israel, “covers his garment with violence”, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.’ Malachi 2:13-16
A faithless relationship with God was reflected in men’s faithlessness to their wives. The effect was a failure to raise godly offspring, the very fruit for which God had made marriage. No godly offspring meant generation after generation of idolatry and forgetfulness. While the Old Testament expects that both fathers and mothers do the daily work of passing on God’s words and ways to their children (more in a coming post), fathers were held responsible when that failed to happen. Kind of like Adam being called to account when Eve led them into sin.
Malachi then anticipates the great restoration which the Lord would bring about. Malachi says,
“…he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.” (Malachi 4:6).
Reconciliation with God leads to restoration in marriage, fathering and mothering. God turns fathers’ hearts back towards their children, and children’s hearts back to their fathers, resulting in the godly offspring God seeks. The original intention of marriage as one-ness which raises children for God is brought back. This is not peripheral, but fundamental, to God’s great redemptive work. On this side of Jesus’ death and resurrection, we live in the fulfilment of all that the Old Testament anticipated. We are brought into God’s kingdom, where he is making things on earth conform to the purposes for which he made them. God didn’t abandon the “married people raising godly offspring” project.
The New Testament continues the theme. Fathers are specifically commissioned to bring their children up to know and obey the Lord Jesus:
‘Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.’ Ephesians 6
It’s interesting that Paul follows up the command for children to obey and honour their parents with the command for fathers to be good dads. And by good, I mean, to bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord, without exasperating them. No matter how fun, generous, affectionate, and engaged he is, if a father is not teaching his children to know and follow Jesus, in every corner of life, then he is missing his prime responsibility in life. If a wife is not working in oneness with her husband to help bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord, then she is missing her prime responsibility in life. Fathers will give an account to the Lord Jesus for how they fathered. Mothers will give an account for how they helped or hindered that work.
The training and instruction fathers give must be saturated with all the best affection and wisdom, so the child is not caused to stumble. There is plenty of despicable fathering which has been done in the name of “bring[ing] them up in the training and instruction of the Lord”. Perversions of Scripture do not make Scripture any less true, or our obedience to it any less necessary. The vile examples make the godly examples more vital.
If Dad does exasperate his children through his own sin, the duty of children to honour their father and mother gets very difficult very quickly. Dads exercise authority, whether they know it or not. A godly husband and father will build and protect a space that’s a blessing for the whole family to grow in. An ungodly man, either through ignorance, neglect or abuse, turns his home into a minefield for his family. His disobedience will make it much harder for his family to grow into joyful obedience to Jesus. Not impossible, but patchy, depleting and strained. Lifetimes of good are left undone when fathers don’t do what they’re meant to.
If a husband doesn’t understand or take seriously his commission to bring his children up in the training and instruction of the Lord—his call to raise godly offspring—he is less likely to value the work his wife is responsible for as his helper. When men take responsibility for doing the work God has entrusted them with, they clear more space for women to do theirs too. It’s hard to help someone achieve something when they don’t recognise what they’re meant to be doing. More on that sort of thing to come.
Even if the fathers we know are not very mature in doing their job yet, a wife is told to love and help him. The men we are called to love and help are less likely to grow into their responsibilities if we are trying to do their job for them, or if we cannot tolerate the thought of them doing it.
