#35. How Kids Grow to be in Church
A while ago, I mentioned the example of a church where it’s normal for the kids to be present in corporate worship. We were part of that church when our first baby arrived and I was terrified that my child would grow to be the exception. The process of how one could possibly get kids to sit in church was a mystery to me. We moved towns before that baby had to learn such things. In our next church, we spent twelve years in the evening service where there was no kids program. This means all six of our kids have learned to be with us in the Sunday service. I’m really grateful for the example of that previous church, in giving my husband and me a picture of something good we might otherwise have avoided. Seeing that it could be done gave us some motivation to work out how.
It’s easy to underestimate kids. We’re quick to label and build a permanent identity for our children out of their temporary aversions or preferences. One hard experience with a toddler has convinced many a parent that kids need to be somewhere else during Sunday worship. Plenty of us expect that a child can’t learn how and that parents are powerless to teach them. It’s quite a low view of our children and ourselves.
When we see someone else’s kids relatively calm in church (if we happen to be in a church where we’d see such a sight), we might think it’s just the easy temperament of those particular kids. But there is always a process, a pattern and norms behind that scene. It doesn’t come from nowhere. Having the variety of six personalities among our children, we’ve noticed that they’ve all struggled in different ways, which means learning to be in church has been more difficult for some than others. But not insurmountably hard. A jolly optimism helps, a positivity about our kids’ ability to learn and our ability to help them. Remembering why we would want children in church is fortifying in those less glorious moments.
Ultimately it’s not a challenge solved by pinterest activities and tricks.
Like most things that you’d want to last a long time, a well-considered first build is far simpler than a quick installation which will need a demo/reno job later. Solid foundations with well placed load-bearing beams are more costly initially, but they hold more of a load for longer. I suspect the longer we avoid the effort and cost of bringing kids into Sunday worship, the harder it is and the more distasteful they find it. Worship becomes a thing we have to appease them through, with a book to read, a device to scroll on or a friend to giggle with. It’s harder to retrofit the norms of worship for older children than it is to raise our littlest ones up to it. If our kids never make their way into meaningful worship among God’s people, then that is far costlier than any parenting inconvenience.
So, how can it be done? Our goal is not merely to have children sit still in church and look like they are being respectful. The goal is to remove the stumbling blocks, the distractions we unwittingly place before our children and the distractions they find for themselves, which would stop them from responding rightly to the living God. We’re bringing them to the table where they can be especially nourished on the bread of life. We are grafting them into the life of worship, immersing them in their identity as God’s people. We are playing a long game and we need to keep that far horizon in view when we’re in the middle of a short-term exertion.
Sixteen years of little ones in church has taught me a few things:
The first 18-24 months take a lot of energy. Don’t expect it to be serene. It’s costly because precious things are. Go with purpose and your game face on. Remember why this matters.
If your baby is in a babbly, restless stage, sit your family in a space where they won’t monopolise the church’s attention, but where you are still near the action. When our babies are adorable and we are desperate for the validation of others, it can be tempting to make our child the focus of attention which should be on God. Feeding our child’s sense of audience will not help them learn to join in worship of Another.
If you are holding your baby up the back of the hall, or rocking the stroller to help settle them, do your best to keep your eyes on what is happening up the front. Your goal in these moments is not to entertain your baby. It’s to help them build up a picture of what it means to set your attention on the Lord and his word. This picture might be formed one thin layer at a time, over many years. The impact comes from gradual cumulation. Don’t underestimate the power of your own reverence to help your own child learn it in time.
Your expectation about how much you’ll absorb from the sermon has to change. Serving Jesus at this stage will mean you miss some parts of many sermons. You can always listen to a recording later to fill in the gaps. There is still everyday Bible reading. And it’s only temporary. Savour what you do get instead of resenting the absence of what you don’t. Snatch time afterwards to piece the sermon back together with your husband who probably gleaned different bits of the service, between relaying the baby baton.
Instead of being irritated by your highly dependent person, remind yourself of the fleeting privilege of holding an entire person in your arms while you set your attention on the only complete sentence you might retain from the sermon. Two good gifts are coming in those moments, even while they come with strain.
The younger the child, the more modest your goals should be. There will be a season when merely quiet restraint, removing excessive distraction is all you can do. It will take a couple of years before they are taking in ideas from the worship service, but those years aren’t wasted. You’re training an appetite for it. Before you know it, they will have heard something in the service which sparks a lasting thought, a new, deep love. It will happen when you’re not expecting it.
On the way home, or during lunch, make a habit of asking each other what you are going to “hold onto” from the worship service. The truth solidifies when we talk about it, and talk gives another opportunity to feed if the first round was a bit incomplete. It also sets a norm for the children to grow into. It’s easier to pay attention when you want to have something to comment on later. It reminds the whole family that even though we can’t understand everything, we can all take something.
It takes time plus gentle, patient leadership from parents. While extra hands can help at times, no one else has been entrusted with the authority to instruct and correct kids in the place of their parents. The fact that no one else has authority to help your child learn these skills means that kids should be sitting with their own parents, and not their besties. More on parental authority to come in later articles.
Kids won’t suddenly start obeying their parents on a Sunday morning if they aren’t learning to every other day of the week. If it’s to be done without heavy-handedness, obedience training in the early years takes time; most of the waking hours spent with a parent (because no one other than parents has been authorised by God to teach children to obey). Sunday preparation mostly happens Monday to Saturday. More on obedience to come in later articles.
If it’s normal in your household that kids obey their parents, then having them in church gets much easier long before the preschool age is over. Easier only happens because of the harder bits.
Learning to be present in corporate worship requires some limited movement for a time. If this is the only time of the week a child is expected to learn to sit quietly, it will be exasperating for them. Very young children need to be used to some physical restraint some of the time, for various reasons, throughout the week (at the shops, eating meals, quiet play, rest time). Help prepare them for some Sunday focus by learning it at other times.
During the service, don’t let them out of the stroller, or out of your arms, if they haven’t learned to stay near you when you tell them to. I think one of the ideas which stuck with me from reading Ted Tripp’s Shepherding a Child’s Heart (which I haven’t looked at for 16 years), is that parents shouldn’t allow freedoms bigger than the child’s self-control. To permit freedoms that outsize the child’s capacity to obey puts a stumbling block in their path (which is the opposite of what God has commissioned us for).
You can’t painlessly withdraw freedoms once you’ve given them (this is also a point Tripp makes). So, if your goal is to have a fairly self-controlled four year old, don’t let them run around during the service when they are a toddler (even though they’ve just started to walk and it’s adorable). Avoid things that send the message that it’s playtime. There are dozens of hours during the week for them to practice their gross motor skills. Plan for a terrific toddle, romp and run before and after the service, but they can learn from the norms you set, that the service time is for learning a different set of skills. It’s not when we play, because there are other, quieter things to enjoy.
Prepare them with quiet, stationary activities while they are restrained for this time. As they get older, paper and drawing materials are enough. Drawing can eventually lead to drawing about something in the Bible passage, or even notes about the sermon eventually (but don’t prescribe what they should produce. Make suggestions when they are old enough, then let them figure it out in their own time).
Children are capable of learning to do things that seem hard. Keeping a child in church feels impossible until the day when it suddenly isn’t. Then, experience brings confidence. Don’t measure efficacy by one attempt.
Helping kids learn to join in worship is not a scheme to deprive them of joy, but to set them up for the best of it, for longer. This is about their lifetime of following Jesus. Don’t be surprised if that isn’t obvious to your two year old. You are the parent, who can see further than they can.
Cry-rooms (or settling rooms) aren’t a great solution. It’s fine if you’re the only one using it (and the audio is working). But once extra parents and babies enter, it often becomes the venue for parents to chat rather than listen. Everyone brings different expectations to the space and that is unhelpful if your goal is to remain a participant in the worship.
Our goal in raising worshipers is not to raise outward performers. But, in a Christian family, our kids’ experience of church life and Christian discipleship will be formed from the outside in. Unlike the next-door neighbour who comes to faith as an adult, our kids will learn the physical habits of being Christian long before they understand the inner significance of those things. We make a grave mistake if we wait for our kids to come to an independent, mature faith before we start teaching them the rhythms of worshiping Jesus.
Context makes a difference. A church where kids are typically present for the whole service will be familiar with the process of kids learning to be among them. They are more inclined to be gracious. The congregation knows it’s normal for parents to be up and down, in and out of the service as they help correct and instruct their children. A church that has a lot of kids who are settled in the service will also have a lot of kids who are still learning. The messy process is a sign of growth, not failure. The more kids who are learning to join in, the less of a big deal it becomes for everyone—kids, parents and the rest of the church.
The hard slog becomes deeply delightful. The joy gained is worth far more than the cost of bone-weary effort.
